


Don't you let it kill you

by The_perks_of_being_a_shipper



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Consensual Sex, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Smut, Heavy Drinking, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Louis Tomlinson Loves Harry Styles, M/M, Oral Sex, Rape, Rape/Non-con Elements, Sad with a Happy Ending, Sexy Times, Stalking, Timeline What Timeline
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-11
Updated: 2021-01-24
Packaged: 2021-03-15 02:34:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 12
Words: 17,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28681170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_perks_of_being_a_shipper/pseuds/The_perks_of_being_a_shipper
Summary: What if Louis refuses to do the babygate, what if he rather breaks both his and Harrys heart than puts a child through that?~OR~The one where Harry and Louis break up in 2015-2016-ish (the timeline is really off), but in the end of 2020 Louis is still not even remotely over Harry.
Relationships: Harry Styles & Louis Tomlinson, Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Comments: 11
Kudos: 47





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone!  
> So this is my first Larry fic, and the first fanfic I've written in years so please give me loads of feedback!  
> English is my third language so feel free to point out errors.
> 
> Disclaimer: This is not how I think things have happened. I won't address whether I think F is really Louis' child or not, just thought this was a fun idea.

Harry sat down on the sofa in the living room leaning back with his feet still on the floor. He took a quick look at his phone, no new messages, the clock on his phone showed 4:54pm, Louis should be here soon he thought to himself. He had come to the new york flat they shared only about an hour ago, but waiting to finally see Louis after almost two weeks made it seem like time stood still. Harry leaned back and smiled a little when he thought about the last time they had met. How they had been making out on the couch, Louis with his hands tangled in Harry's long hair, straddling his lap, how they hadn’t cared about even taking it to the bedroom so they just made love on the sofa instead, it had been somewhat uncomfortable, after several years together they had gotten quite comfortable always being in the bedroom, but it had been them, beautifully together. Nowadays with both being solo artists they didn’t see each other very much. Harry missed Louis like crazy, they had talked on the phone the same morning, he was going to a meeting at 9 and then he would fly to NY from LA. Harry knew Louis wouldn’t be too happy when he showed up, during the meeting they would be planning what Louis’ new stunts were gonna be, since he got free from Eleanor they had been making him seem like all he did was get drunk and get laid, different girls every night. It hurt Harry to think about it, it was as far from the truth as it could be. He also knew it wouldn’t take much to get Louis to think about something else, a long hug and some cuddles and everything would already feel better. That’s the way it was for Harry at least, when they pulled every stunt possible and everything felt like shit, the only thing that helped him was to cuddle with Lou, it reminded him of why they were doing it. To be able to be together, and maybe someday…  
Suddenly Harry heard the keys in the door, butterflies in his stomach he rose from the couch to go meet Louis, he was so excited to see him, to hug him, smell him, feel him, kiss him and make love to him. They only had today together but it was more than nothing. The door opened and Harry stopped in his tracks when Louis stepped inside, his eyes red from crying, a sad look in his eyes. Harry took two long steps and embraced Louis in a warm hug and he could hear Louis breaking down and sobbing against his shoulder. He stroked his back and his hair and just let him cry for a few minutes.  
“Shh Lou it’s gonna be okay” Harry whispered trying to soothe him and get him to calm down, his own tears starting to threaten to spill over in his eyes. He couldn’t stand seeing Louis sad, usually Lou was the one comforting him, since Harry was the more sensitive out of the two, but this time it was the other way around.  
“Shh calm down baby, it’s okay, we’re gonna be okay, what’s wrong baby? Tell me what's wrong boo” Harry said quietly again but Louis only started crying more. He had thought Louis was gonna be pissed when he showed up, he didn’t expect this. After a few more minutes Louis took a deep breath and backed a step away from Harry. He looked up at Harry's face and he could see another tear falling down his cheek, he lifted his hand to wipe it away but Louis caught his hand.  
“Harry, we need to talk,” Lou said, voice hoarse from crying, and started walking towards the living room, he sat down on the couch and Harry sat down next to him, a big cold lump in his stomach. This didn’t feel good, not good at all. Louis was still holding his hand, playing with Harry’s fingers.  
“Harry…” Louis started, looking down, then he took a deep breath, “I’m breaking up with you” he said in a shaky voice.  
“What?” Harry asked silently, all the blood in his body going down to his toes somewhere, immediately feeling cold and sad. Tears welled into his eyes and with a blink there were tears running down both his cheeks. Louis had started crying again, sobbing into his hands. Harry had barely noticed that he had retrieved his own hand back.  
“I’m breaking up with you” Louis said again, sobbing between the words. He didn't understand, didn't want to understand.  
“Why?” said Harry, voice cracking, but before Louis could answer he continued “is it something they said in the meeting? Because Louis we have been here before, we can hide our relationship from them too if we have too, if the management can’t stand behind us at all anymore then we just have to hide it from them too” Panic suddenly rising inside Harry, was Louis serious right now?  
“It’s not that,” Lou said, shaking his head. He took another deep, shaky breath before looking at Harry. “Harry I haven’t seen you in two weeks, now we only have the evening and the night and tomorrow in the morning we have to part our ways again and who knows when I’ll see you again, and this is now when everything is somewhat calm, what about when we’re both dropping albums or go touring or something else? We won’t hardly see each other at all and it’s not fair to either of us.” Louis said, his voice getting weaker. Harry couldn’t believe this. How was it possible, the love of his life was sitting there telling him that they’re over, that he wasn’t gonna fight for them anymore. That every obstacle they had gotten through had been for nothing, that if they only could be seen at the same places at the same time this wouldn’t even be a problem, but because of that stupid contract with the stupid management they couldn’t meet up if it wasn’t sure that they would not be seen.  
“Is there really nothing we can do.” Harry pleaded to Louis, his green eyes shiny and cheeks wet from tears.  
“Harry no.” Louis said “I don’t think we can do anything about this.” You could see he was trying to collect himself, taking deep breaths and trying to not look directly at him. Something snapped inside of Harry, suddenly he felt angry, sad and hurt, but mostly angry.  
“Then get out.” Harry said with a stern voice. Louis looked up at him, the hurt was visible in Harry's eyes, and he was actually throwing Louis out.  
“Can we….” Louis began.  
“Get out!” Harry said, even harder this time. He began to feel really angry. Why would Louis just give up on him like this? Didn’t he mean anything to Louis?  
Louis rose from the couch.  
“Hazza I…”  
“Don’t!” Harry interrupted.  
“I just need to say this.” Louis said. Harry knew he didn’t want to hear it, but he wanted Louis to leave now so that he could be alone. So that he could cry and scream and probably throw something until it breaks, so he waited silently. “I love you Harry, I really do, and I wish I wouldn’t have to break your heart like this. You are everything to me.” Louis said, a tear dropping down from his cheek onto his shirt.  
“Great, now leave!” Harry said sharply, collecting himself a little, focusing more on his anger towards Louis than the sadness. Harry put his thumb and index finger against the bridge of his nose and leaned down, it usually helped a little to hold back the tears. He heard the door shut behind Louis when he left and so he broke down. Hysterically crying and sobbing until his chest hurt, lying down on the floor in fetal position screaming, because this was not fair, his light, his love and everything he lived for had left him. All he wished for was to hear the keys in the door and that Louis would come back, but it didn't happen. 

Louis barely made it outside and into the car before he broke down, the look in Harry's eyes, he had never seen it before. Harry was hurt, but it looked like something inside him literally broke. Louis would text someone to call and check on Harry in a couple hours. He wanted to tell Harry all the real reasons why he broke up with him, sure he hated the long distance relationship, but they could survive that. He couldn’t tell Harry. Everything was so morally fucked up, Louis couldn’t do it, so he chose to break Harry's heart instead, and his own, because the option would be to ruin the life of a child. They were gonna fake him getting a fucking child.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's getting darker, and will get even darker before it's done. I promise that all will be well in the end tho.  
> Lots of love to all of you reading!

December 2020

Louis woke up with a terrible headache, he groaned and turned around in bed, pulling the covers over his head, yesterday's memories coming back to him. He had been so drunk (again), he had made out with someone he didn’t even know the name of (again), and then he had tried to fight someone outside the bar before his bodyguard had gotten him into a taxi. He had come home and passed out on the bed. He was still fully clothed. Louis groaned again and got up from the bed and stripped out of yesterday's clothes that smelled of cigarettes and beer. He walked into the bathroom and took a couple painkillers before getting in the shower. He didn’t really have much plans today, one interview but it was in the evening. All Louis’ days looked pretty much the same, he got up, if he had work to do then he did that, interviews, writing music, recording music, concerts and so on. After that he would go out to some bar, get way too drunk or high, follow someone home and have bad sex just to keep his mind occupied, even if it sounded bad the alternative was worse. He couldn’t come home to an empty apartment, be alone with his thoughts, he couldn’t be sober because he knew what he did when he had time to think. If he had time to think then he had time to stalk, well maybe stalking was a little harsh. Louis tried to tell himself that it wasn’t really stalking, he just wanted to know that Harry was doing okay, that he was safe and happy, so he had made fake profiles on different social media platforms that were dedicated just for that. In the beginning it really was to see how he was doing, but nowadays Louis mostly did it to torment himself. Just to make things a little harder on himself he also followed a bunch of Larry pages, it was like a kind of self harm on the soul for him. Because he knew that everytime he did his social media stalking rounds he ended up crying in bed with an ache in his heart. There was nothing in his life he regretted more than breaking Harry's heart.  
Louis stepped out of the shower and grabbed a towel and dried his face, he put his robe on and quickly brushed his teeth before grabbing his phone and a pack of cigarettes and headed towards the backyard. He stepped outside and took a breath of fresh air before he lit his cigarette. He opened his phone and there was a new message from Simon.

Go for a walk with Eleanor today,  
text me where you’re going and I’ll tell the paps.

Louis sighed. This day was gonna be longer than he thought initially. He didn’t mind Eleanor, he didn’t like her very much, but a walk wouldn’t be so bad, he was used to it. He was just so tired of it all. After he broke things off with Harry he had thought there wouldn’t be more stunts, but when he started making his new album they thought he would have to be in a “long-term relationship” so that the songs add up, so Eleanor was put back on the job.  
He took a long drag from his cigarette, it burned a little in his throat, felt good, helped him wake up. He wrote a short text to Eleanor that they’d have to meet up during the day and that she’d bring the dogs, then he stub out the rest of his cig before going inside.  
\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - -  
“One last question for you Louis, what’s up next for you? Christmas and your birthday are coming up, where are you spending them?” The woman who held the interview asked, luckily it was held via videocall so it wasn’t a very hard interview.  
“Uhm, home to London for a few weeks” Louis answered smiling, fuck, he shouldn’t have said home, since his and Eleanors “home” was in LA, they didn’t like Louis calling London home, even tho LA would never feel like a home to Louis. Luckily she didn’t say anything, he would probably get a text from Simon or someone else from the team later but it didn’t matter. They ended the interview and Louis turned off his camera.  
What would he do now he thought to himself. He already knew, fished up his phone and texted his bodyguard. He was gonna hit the bar again, the feeling of this morning's headache already forgotten. Just a minute later his bodyguard called.  
“Please stay home tonight,” he said.  
“How so?” asked Louis.  
“Yesterday was already a close call, with the fight and all, and also your plane is taking off around 8am so it’s an early morning tomorrow Tommo.” Louis finally agreed, but the second they hung up the phone the panic started creeping up his spine. Was he actually gonna spend an evening home alone? Louis had heard in his voice that it wasn’t just the clubbing or some almost fight that worried him, he knew he had been consuming quite a lot of alcohol lately, but Louis needed it. He didn’t care. He walked into his kitchen and took out a glass and a bottle of whiskey, he poured himself a glass but took the first one as a shot. It burned like hell but somehow the feeling was comforting, warm and familiar. He poured himself one more and went outside to smoke a cigarette. He was thinking about calling someone to come keep him company, or some old one night stand so that he could drink some more, then get some dick before passing out. Finally he decided something completely else, he opened his phone and texted Liam.  
“Hey Payno, are you in London following weeks? I’m flying in tomorrow, fancy a beer or a coffee some day? x” Louis hit send and then lit another cigarette, he took a swing of his whiskey when his phone buzzed.  
“Lou! Long time no see, of course we’ll meet up someday.” Louis smiled a little, he missed the boys, especially one boy… No! Louis scolded himself in his head, you’re not nearly drunk enough to go there.  
“Cool, I’ll get in touch with you” he hit send and went inside. He knew how this night was going to end so he poured himself another whiskey, since his most urgent need to get drunk was stilled by the first two drinks he even threw in an ice cube this time. He put on some music and grabbed the bottle and the glass with him and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone again and opened twitter, he was logged in to his real account and he didn’t plan on changing that. He scrolled down and saw that Harry had tweeted, Louis’ heart did a little doubleskip.  
“Calm down!” he said out loud to himself, it’s just a tweet. It was a basic thanks to his fans. Louis poured himself another drink, the fourth? It started feeling good so he drank it fast and then filled the glass again.  
He started feeling numb, it felt good, relaxing. Maybe he could just do a quick check in on his other account, just a fast one, to see if the fans had anything new about Harry. He changed accounts but twitter didn’t give much. He changed to instagram and searched the #harrystyles. Immediately lots of pictures of Harry showed up, both newer and older pics. He opened the first one and started scrolling down.  
“My pretty Hazza” Louis mumbled to himself. “No.. not mine..” He said, talking to himself, he could hear his voice starting to get groggy and his words melting together. He swept the rest of his drink and poured another one. He scrolled a few more pictures down and there it was, like always, like a kick in his stomach, pictures of him and Harry together, good pictures when they looked happy. Louis emptied his glass again and poured another one. He was already too deep in so he might as well torment himself some more, he clicked #larrystylinson under the picture. It hurt like a motherfucker when the page loaded and he saw all the pics. He grabbed his glass and his phone and walked outside to smoke, smoking his first cigarette in probably under a minute, the faster he smoked the more it burned, he lit another one and unlocked his phone again, seeing all those pictures of them together, videos, art made by incredibly talented fans, it hurt as hell. He lit his third smoke and emptied his glass again while watching an old interview with one direction. The one where Harry's shirt had popped open during an interview and Louis had some hard times (pun intended). He missed the days when they saw each other everyday, when Harry was his and only his, he scrolled and someone had made a compilation of jealous!Louis videos.  
“Damn, I was loud” Louis said out loud to himself again. And so the pain was back. He smoked one more cigarette before going inside, again he filled his glass, the bottle was now empty. He scrolled some more and drank the last whiskey, he took the glass with him to the kitchen. By now Louis was quite unsteady, he walked into the doorframe and stumbled over to the counter, he opened the cabins but couldn’t find another bottle, he searched in all the places he could think of where he could’ve hidden a bottle.  
“For fucks sake” he yelled and grabbed the glass off the counter and threw it against the wall, it shattered and pieces of glass flew around the kitchen. “Fuck.” he said again and grabbed his phone and stumbled to bed.  
As he laid down he was just going to check one more thing. He knew this would probably be the worst one but he opened tumblr, since he only followed Harry and Larry blogs he just scrolled down his dash. There were pictures and videos, art and fanfics. He scrolled further down feeling the familiar lump in his throat. Nothing new on Harry but people had seen the interview with Louis saying he was going home to London, Larries drew the conclusion that it’s home to Harry.  
One tear escaped his eye when he thought of it, home to Harry, there was nothing he wanted more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Please leave kudos and comments, it makes my day!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one is dark guys, I mean really dark.  
> Tw/Cw rape in this chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm writing chapter 6 now, already noticing that my writing is improving, so hold on guys, it get's better. Also I know this is kinda dark now but it will get better, promise. x

It was dark outside when Louis stepped into the car in London. The cold weather almost felt nice, Louis thought to himself, he had always liked warmth but there was something about the english grey, cold weather that made him feel at ease.   
The ride to his flat wasn’t very long, about 10 minutes, when he stepped out of the car he paid and thanked for the ride. He lit a cigarette and opened his phone. He updated his twitter.  
Happy to have landed on British grounds again. x  
He published it and then walked inside. He opened the door to his flat and threw his duffle bag on the floor. He had bought the apartment after he and Harry broke up but hadn’t spent very much time there. It was so… empty. Cold somehow. It didn’t feel much like a home but after having been caught in LA for a few weeks this was more home than ever. Louis didn’t think he’d ever find a place to call home. To him home was a person, and it was a person he could not be with, so he would never again go home.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Louis threw himself a quick look in the mirror, dark circles under his eyes, his hair a little messy, he didn’t really care so he put on his jacket, put his hood up and walked outside. He lit a cig and started walking towards the nightclub he was going to. He had drunk a few beers at home first, not enough to be drunk, but to get that familiar tingle in his legs that meant he wouldn’t have to drink much more to get drunk.   
The club was full of people, he walked straight up to the bar and ordered two tequila shots and a beer, he downed both the shots immediately and then grabbed his beer. He brought it with him to the dance floor. It was crowded, but he knew this area, not many of these people should recognize him. He danced for a while before going to order a few more shots, he downed them fast, knowing it would make him drunk faster. Time flew by, talking to people, dancing, and drinking. Especially drinking. Louis went outside to smoke a cigarette. There was another small group of people smoking and a few meters away leaned against the wall stood a man. Louis had seen the guy at the bar earlier, the man was probably in his early thirties, not bad looking. He was tall and with broad shoulders, tattoos covering his hands and his neck, his hair was dark blonde and eyes were ice blue. Louis himself had to lean against the wall to not fall, damn he was drunk. He closed his eyes and filled his lungs with the cigarette smoke.   
“Are you okay?” He heard a beautiful, deep voice, Louis opened his eyes and the good looking man was now standing in front of him, giving him a half smile.   
“Yeah” Louis answered, “Yeah I’m fine, getting a little tipsy that's all.” he smiled cheekily at the stranger but could hear his own words melting together.  
“Yes I can see that.” The man answered, grinning at Louis. “I’m Tyler.” he said and gave Louis his hand.  
“Louis” Louis answered shaking his hand.   
“So Louis.. can I buy you a drink?” Tyler asked, Louis smiled and nodded his head.  
“Of course.” Maybe he was getting lucky tonight and wouldn’t have to go home to his apartment alone, maybe he wouldn’t have to go to his apartment at all. He walked back inside and ordered a scotch whiskey, sitting down by the bar with Tyler, Louis could barely even sit at the bar chair without falling, he was getting really dizzy, so he leaned on Tyler for support. They emptied their drinks and went dancing. Louis had a hard time even standing up, he held on to Tyler.  
“Should we get out of here?” Tyler whispered in Louis' ear, he could see Tyler's ice blue eyes getting dark with lust, which turned Louis on too. He had had many one night stands the past few years, but not many of them could actually turn Louis on, and very few of them really knew how to please him, please him like Harry did...  
“Yes, take me to your place.” Louis answered groggily, hopeful that this would be a good night.   
They went outside and got into a car, Louis probably passed out in the car because he was woken up by Tyler telling him to get up. Louis stepped out of the vehicle and looked around, he didn’t recognize the neighbourhood, but that would be tomorrow's problems he thought to himself.  
Louis stumbled inside holding onto Tyler for support, the door barely closed behind them before Tyler's mouth and hands were all over Louis. Louis sloppily kissed him back, the taste of alcohol and cigarettes fresh in his mouth. Tyler dragged him along to the bedroom and quite harshly threw him onto the big bed before straddling Louis’ hips, he started getting a little too rough for Louis' taste, not that he minded rough, he just liked that better with someone where you knew each other's limits, tonight he didn’t care though. Tyler had already gotten Louis’ shirt off and worked on getting him out of his pants, throwing the clothes at the floor. Louis also tried taking off Tyler's clothes, but with his drunk, shaky hands he couldn’t really get a hold of anything.   
Louis was feeling really dizzy now, the room was spinning and he started feeling sick. Tylers heavy weight on top of Louis didn’t help. He tried pushing the blonde off of him. He needed to get up, get out, get some air.  
“I need to…” Louis tried to say and get up. Tyler pushed him back down on the bed.  
“You’re not going anywhere until I’m done with you” he said. Tyler grabbed both his wrists, put them above his head and kissed Louis again, forcing his tongue into Louis’ mouth. He didn’t want this anymore. He started to get scared for real now.  
“Lemme just..” Louis tried again, struggling to get his hands free, but in his drunken state his body wouldn’t obey, and Tyler was much bigger and stronger than him. He had been warned about this, when he went home with strangers several times a week it would sooner or later end badly. Louis started to panic, his eyes filling with tears.  
“Please, I don’t wanna do this.” Louis pleaded. Smack! His cheek was burning, Tyler had slapped him across the face.  
“Too late for that now, love.” Tyler answered with a twisted smile, “I already said, you’re not leaving, until I’m done with you. Now be a good whore for me and turn around so that I can see your pretty ass”. Louis didn’t do anything, he just laid there numb, panicking on the inside, but his body wouldn’t help him fight. It was like all his muscles were gone, he had no power to do anything, he wondered if Tyler had slipped something in his drink. Tyler harshly grabbed him and flipped him over. Louis could now feel every place Tyler touched like it burned, he would probably have bruises by his rough hands tomorrow. Louis laid there thinking “is this how I die”, regretting every decision he has made that eventually led up to this. Tears were streaming down his cheeks and he pressed his face into the mattress, knowing what was coming next. If he only wasn’t such a failure, a drunk that did anything to forget about his ex, then he wouldn’t be in this situation right now. He started sobbing, he could feel the pressure and pain of Tylers dry dick against his unstretched asshole. When Tyler pressed in Louis screamed, then he passed out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Kudos and comments make me love you forever!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Still sad but I promise from now on it's only getting better. And here's some Liam for you.

Louis woke up in a pitch black room, he had to think for a second to remember where he was. Then it hit him like a brick wall. He had to get out. He sat up and as his eyes started to adjust to the darkness he could see Tyler lying on the bed. Louis carefully sat up and was abruptly reminded about what Tyler had done to him, pain shooting through his body, he bit his lip to not make any sound. He had to find his clothes and get out. The adrenaline pumping in his body now, he needed to get out of here. He carefully stepped off the bed and started looking for his clothes, he found his jeans and hoodie, his phone was luckily still in his pocket. Tyler groaned and turned around on the bed. Louis held his breath until he was sure he was still sleeping, he left the room and put on the little clothes he had found, he didn’t dare stay and look for his t-shirt and underwear. He quickly grabbed his jacket and his shoes and walked outside. He was still sort of dizzy. Outside he started walking fast in whatever direction. He didn’t know where he was but he needed to get away, get as far away as possible. He fished up his phone, 5:04am the clock showed. His entire body hurt. Louis walked faster and faster, he needed to get away. Suddenly he felt his stomach turn, he took hold of a three and threw up. Now that the adrenaline started leaving his body he could feel that he was so damn tired, he had no idea how far away from his apartment he was, his body was sore and everything hurt. He carefully sat down on a bench nearby, wincing in pain and took out his phone. He opened google maps, walking it would take him almost two hours to get home, he did not want to call a taxi right now. He lit a cigarette pondering over his options. He couldn’t walk that far in this state. Could he call someone else. He knew Liam lived somewhere relatively close by. He could call him. He opened his contacts and pressed Liams name. It beeped once, twice… he was probably sleeping, five beeps, and even if he was awake they hadn’t exactly been close lately, seven beeps, he would probably not pick up.  
“It’s Liam” he suddenly heard, he could hear the sleep thick in his voice and he cleared his throat.  
“Hey Liam it’s Louis.” Louis answered, doing his best to keep his voice steady and not give away too much.  
“Louis, is everything okay?” Liam asked.  
“Yeah just fine,” Louis lied. “I’m sorry for waking you up, but could you come get me? I’m far from home and not really in the state to take a taxi.” he continued, hoping Liam would believe he was just drunk.  
“Uh, can you not…” Liam started.  
“I would really need a ride.” Louis interrupted, voice getting shaky. He couldn’t see any other people right now. “Please” he tried to swallow to get rid of the sudden lump in his throat.   
“Okay okay, I’ll come pick you up.” Liam said, probably hearing the tears in Louis’ voice telling him this was a little more serious. “Text me the location.”  
“Thank you Liam.” Louis whispered, a fear falling down his cheek, before he hung up. He sent Liam his location and lit another cigarette. How could he be this stupid. Tyler had seemed so nice, and he had taken advantage of Louis’ drunken mind and body. Louis felt so disgusted, with Tyler, with himself. He smoked one more cigarette before Liam showed up. He jumped into the car doing his best not to show any signs of how much his body hurt doing so.  
“So, uhm, what are you doing over in this part of London?” Liam asked. Louis didn’t know what to answer.  
“Can we talk about something else please.” Louis asked. He didn’t want to tell Liam what had happened, how he had fucked up.   
“Okay uuh, so uhm.. are you smoking again?” Liam asked, the smell from Louis’ coat giving him away. Louis smiled a sad half smile, he had stopped smoking while with Harry, because he knew Harry didn’t like it.   
“Yeah.” Louis answered, “How so?” he asked.  
“No reason, just, I thought you had quit.” Liam said, wanting to keep the conversation going.  
“Yeah I did quit, and then I started again.” Louis said shrugging his shoulders, he flinched at the pain he felt by doing so, his left shoulder hurt like crazy. What had Tyler done to him? He couldn’t remember, everything was a blur. Louis saw that Liam noticed it.   
“Are you really okay Louis?” Liam asked, concern evident in his voice.  
“I’m fine,” Louis answered, voice starting to shake again. “I’m fine…” and so a tear escaped his eye and rolled down his cheek. Liam looked at him, worry written all over his face.  
“No Louis, you are not fine.” Liam said sternly. “What happened?” He asked. Louis took a deep, shaky breath. He had to tell Liam, at least tell him some version of the truth.  
“I went home with a guy from the club,” he started, “I was so damn drunk.” Louis said, shaking his head and burying his face in his hands, tears started running down his cheeks and falling down onto his jacket. Louis looked up, took a long, shaky breath and continued. “I was really, fucking drunk. I barely remember half of it.” He tried to avoid saying it outloud, he didn’t even wanna think about it, he wanted to forget it ever happened.  
“Louis what happened?” Liam prompted him to continue.  
“Well he wasn’t very nice.” Louis said silently, another tear spilling over.  
“What did he do to you Louis?” Liam asked, and he sounded very worried. “Did he hit you? or rape you?” Louis flinched at the word.   
“No, no, I went with him willingly, it wasn’t like that. I was in on it… but then… well then I wanted him to stop, and he didn’t.” he almost whispered the last part, ashamed of himself. He had gotten himself into this mess. Liam had stopped at a redlight, staring at Louis with big, worried eyes.  
“Well isn’t that the very definition of rape?” Liam said, anger and concern both evident in his voice. “I should drive you to the hospital and then you should file a police report...”  
“No.” Louis said, almost starting to panic. “No, just take me home.”  
“But…” Liam began.  
“No!” Louis said. “I just wanna go home, I don’t want anyone to know about this Liam. It’s embarrassing.” Louis sighed. Liam looked at the road ahead of them, his facial expression hard to read.  
“You are not the one who should be embarrassed.” Liam then said. “He should, that other guy. He took advantage of you being drunk, how is that your fault?”   
“I don’t know..” Louis said. It wasn’t logical, but he felt that it had been his own fault. He had been warned before that his habits with drinking copious amounts and going home with strangers would end badly, or even be the end of him. “I just wanna go home and sleep, please Liam. I went with him willingly and my intention was to have sex with him, it just didn’t go according to plan.” Louis said, forcing a smile to calm Liam, it didn’t work. He could see they were finally almost at Louis’ apartment.   
“Okay.” Liam said, lifting his hands to show he had given up, before grabbing the steering wheel and parking outside Louis’ house. “I’ll call you later Louis, to check on you.”  
“Thank you.” Louis said, looking into Liam’s eyes before stepping out of the car, drawing a sharp breath at the pain that shot through him. He went straight inside and walked into his bathroom. He stripped out of his clothes and threw them on the floor, he looked at himself in the mirror, his cheek was a little red, but not too bad, big dark circles under his eyes. He had a big bruise over his left shoulder and down to both sides of his ribs, his thighs and bum were also covered in different sized bruises. Louis felt sick looking at himself. He stepped into the shower and after that he headed straight to bed, passing out almost immediately.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading, kudos and comments makes my day <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are slowly starting to look up. This chapter is kind of boring, mostly to move the story forward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy, I love every single one of you who reads this!

Bzzt bzzt bzzt  
Louis woke up to his phone ringing. Apparently it was already 2pm and Liam was calling him.   
“Hello” He answered, voice hoarse, he cleared his throat.  
“Hey Louis, it’s Liam. How are you?” Liam answered, you could hear in his voice that he tried to sound casual but the concern shone through. Louis had to think, his body was sore and aching, it felt like he had been run over by a bus.  
“I’m okay.” Louis answered. “A little sore maybe, but nothing I can’t handle.” he said.  
“Good.” Liam answered. “I was thinking, maybe we could take that coffee today?” he asked. Coffee would be good, Louis thought to himself, to be honest he’d rather put his head back under the covers and sleep forever, never wake up again, but he also knew that if he didn’t get up and meet Liam he’d probably come over and bang on his door. Liam easily worried and he wanted to take care of everyone.  
“Sure thing.” Louis answered, “if it’s okay I’d rather not go out tho”   
“No of course.” Liam said, “I had some other errands in your area, maybe I can come over?” he continued.   
“Sounds good.” Louis answered. “I’m leaving the door open.”  
“See you soon. Bye” Liam said and hung up. How long would it take before he was here, 5 minutes, 10? Louis felt that he needed a shower, even if he had showered before he went to sleep. He felt dirty. He popped into the shower and scrubbed his entire body until his skin was red. He put on a pair of black sweatpants and a grey hoodie, when he walked out of his bedroom he heard the door.  
“Hey Louis! I bought a few freshly baked cinnamon buns.”  
“Nice.” Louis said smiling at Liam, “I just put on the coffee, join me outside for a smoke, will ya?” he asked. Liam nodded and followed Louis to the balcony. From the corner of his eyes he could see that Liam was checking up on him.

They drank their coffee and ate their buns and laughed and talked. Liam updated Louis on what the other previous boy band members had been up to. Louis didn’t keep in touch with them very much, he hadn’t seen Liam in about a year prior to now either. Zayn and Niall were both living busy lives, he talked to them on the phone sometimes but it had probably been a year and a half since he’d seen them last. Louis had checked before coming to London this time when he was actually staying for a while, but none of them would be in London now. He wanted to ask Liam how Harry is doing, if he’s happy, but he didn’t dare. Liam had been quite pissed with Louis when he broke things off, so he was careful what to say when it came to that. Even if it had been years since they broke up it was a very sensitive subject between all the boys, and Louis respected that, he knew why everyone sided with Harry. Hell he himself sided with Harry. Would they only know, how much Louis still cared about Harry, that Harry's new songs were Louis’ nr 1 most listened to on spotify, that he was nowhere near over Harry, and that his new lifestyle consisting of getting drunk and getting laid was just to help himself forget about Harry, and it did not work. He was still madly in love with him, but it was his cross to bear. He wanted to ask Liam if Harry was really over Louis, like for real and not just saying it, if Harry had found someone else or if he was happy living the single life.   
“Harry’s okay too.” Liam said suddenly, Louis hadn’t even noticed that he had been silent for a while now. He was surprised Liam was willing to go there.  
“Oh, okay.” Louis answered, looking down, he couldn’t look at Liam, he felt himself blushing when Liam mentioned his name.  
“I talk to him almost everyday” Liam continued, “It hasn’t been very easy, but I think he’s actually starting to be okay now, so Louis…” Louis lifted his head at the mention of his own name, nervous what Liam was going to say. “I know you’re gonna be in London for a while now, but please don’t seek him out, it has taken him years and he finally seems to be getting over you, please don’t tear that apart now.” Louis shook his head. He often wanted to contact Harry, more than anything, call him and tell him how sorry he is, cry and beg to be taken back, but he knew better. Harry hadn’t once contacted Louis since they broke up.   
“No of course not.” Louis said, “If he’s okay now, then I won’t ruin that.” Louis could feel the lump in his throat getting thicker, he swallowed a few times and cleared his throat.   
“That’s good..” Liam said trailing off. He looked at his phone. “I really should get going, are you okay?” he asked while getting up.  
“Of course I’m okay.” Louis said plastering on a smile and shrugging, he was not sure how this evening would end, but Liam wasn’t his personal entertainer to keep his mind off things nor was he his therapist. Liam hugged Louis before leaving, truth be told Louis didn’t want the hug to end, he was so used to it now being ages before they would meet again, so when he met one of the boys he didn’t wanna leave them again.   
“I’ll call you tomorrow.” Liam had said before closing the door. Louis didn’t know if that was stressful or relieving, knowing he would check up on him.  
As soon as Liam had left Louis poured himself a glass of scotch and went outside to smoke.  
One good thing had come from last night, he hadn’t thought about Harry much since that, only when Liam brought it up, but now when he started thinking about him he couldn’t stop, because Louis told Liam he was fine, but he really, really wasn’t. He kept replaying the night in his head. He had gone home with Tyler, willingly, he had been too drunk to stop him, he had passed out. Who knows what Tyler had done to him while he was passed out. Louis got sick thinking about it so he downed the rest of his drink before he got up to get another one. All he wanted was to crawl onto Harry’s lap and make himself small and let himself be comforted by Harry’s strong arms, and smell his scent and cry against his chest. All Louis wanted was to grab his phone and text Harry.   
“Hey curly, I’m in London, wanna meet up? x” that’s what he would write, but he wouldn’t do it. He couldn’t do it. Because he knew that in the end that would be a lot more painful. But what if we met up as friends, Louis thought to himself, just platonic friends. If Harry was over him for real then it could work, right? Wrong. If Harry wanted anything to do with Louis he could call. He probably knew that Lou was in London, if he hadn’t seen it on twitter Liam would probably tell him anyways.  
Louis took a big sip of his second glass of scotch, he coughed a little from the burning sensation and his bruised ribs hurt when he did it. He winced but then took another deep breath that hurt his ribs. The pain is what you deserve, he thought to himself. He emptied his glass and filled it again, picked up his phone and opened tumblr.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for readin! Hope you enjoyed it! Leaving kudos and comments makes my day!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here comes some Harry's pov, home you enjoy it!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is somewhat short but hope you enjoy it anyway.

Days went by; Louis met his sisters and spent a day with them, at night he went to different bars and clubs, one night Liam even joined him, probably didn’t help if Liam was worried about Louis before.   
“I’ve never seen you this drunk before” Liam had told him, and it was probably true, because before, when he was with the boys, Louis drank to have a good time, now he drank to forget the bad times and to numb the pain inside of him. It was a different kind of drinking. Liam had followed Louis to his apartment and helped him get his clothes off, Louis couldn’t walk and while Liam undressed him he blacked out on his bed. What Louis didn’t see was how Liam gasped when he saw the bruises, angry purple bruises all over Louis’ body, Liam was no doctor but he guessed a rib could have been fractured. Louis had said he was okay, that it didn’t hurt, Liam had not quite understood how bad everything was with Louis until that moment.  
Something had changed though, because now Louis was scared. He was on his guard against everyone who tried to talk to him, he didn’t follow anyone home and he didn’t invite anyone to his place, but the drinking only got worse, because now there was a new trauma to try and drink away.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Harry’s pov.  
Harry's phone buzzed in his pocket. He picked it up, it was a message from Liam.  
Liam: Can I come over?  
Harry: Of course, welcome  
Harry got up and put away his dishes, if he’d known Liam would come over he would have cooked for them both, eating alone was boring. About 15 minutes later Liam knocked on his door, Harry opened and immediately saw there was something Liam wanted to talk about. His body language was tense and he fidgeted on the buttons on his coat. They sat down in the living room, Harry on the couch and Liam in one of the chairs. Liam started small talking a little first.  
“Liam what is it?” Harry interrupted after a while, he wanted Liam to just spit it out since obviously something was bothering him. Liam looked at Harry.  
“We don’t need to talk about this.” Liam started, “But I need to get it out and I don’t really know who to talk to and I probably shouldn’t talk to you about it but…” his voice trailed off after his little ramble. “It’s about Louis,” he said. Harry immediately tensed up, a flutter in his tummy but also worry spreading in his body. Why would Liam, who usually barely even mentioned Louis around him now want to talk about him.  
“Okay” Harry answered, thinking for a second, was Louis hurt? Or something else? He had seen that Lou was in London, was he gonna reach out to Harry? “You can tell me.” Harry said, nervous about what Liam was going to tell him.  
“Okay so I’ve been seeing him a few times since he came to London, and… well, I don’t think he’s doing very good, I think he’s in a bad place.” Liam said, carefully watching Harry, looking for a reaction. Harry remembered seeing some paparazzi pics of Louis a couple weeks ago where he had thought about Louis looking kind of tired, dark circles under his eyes, his hair a mess, and Louis had always been the one to care for his appearance.  
“How so?” Harry asked, not wanting to give away too much. He had managed to convince Liam that he was completely over Louis, that he didn't care when he saw pictures of him or when someone talked about him, but the truth was that Harry's insides were going crazy. Crazy worrying what Liam was going to say next.  
“He uh.. well he’s drinking an awful lot, and uh… Just tell me if you don’t want to talk about it.” He said. Harry nodded slowly to make him continue, he wanted to hear this, or no, he needed to hear this. “So he has been drinking a lot, I’m telling you Harry I’ve never seen him that drunk before, ever. It’s like he had to drink, to cope. He’s also smoking again, while I was with him he didn’t smoke very much, but I could see him glancing at the pack of cigs in his jacket the whole time.” Liam sighed, there was more. Harry didn’t know what to say. “The other night, I think it was the same day he came to London, he called me in the early morning. I almost didn’t answer because I thought it was some regular drunk call, but he..” Liam’s voice trailed off, he rubbed his face with his hand before continuing, “he needed a lift home, I picked him up by the road and he barely even knew where was, he had been assaulted somehow. I saw it a few days later, his body covered in big, angry bruises, and he refused to report it to the police or even go see a doctor.” Harry didn’t know what to say, Liam's face said it all, he was really worried about Louis, and now Harry was too, his Louis had been assaulted, drunk and alone, no way of protecting himself. Harry remembered that Louis had at some point said that he didn’t need no bodyguard in London because here he knew where to go and where to avoid. Apparently that only got him so far. Louis was hurting somehow, smoking had always been Louis' way of coping with difficult things, but the drinking was new to Harry. Just thinking about it made him want to call Louis and comfort him, tell him that everything was going to be alright, but he couldn’t do that, first of all he was quite sure that Louis didn’t want anything to do with him, since he was the one who broke up, and he had not maintained any contact after that, second, if Harry met Louis now, he knew that he wouldn’t be able to let him go again.   
“Uhm.. Uh, does he… uh, did he…” Harry started talking but he wasn’t quite sure what to say. He took a deep breath. “Do you think I should reach out to him?” Harry asked, Liam looked up at him.   
“I don’t… I don’t know” Liam said, “I mean, since he won’t give me the whole story about what’s going on, why he is so miserable.. I have no idea. And also would it be such a good idea for you?” Liam asked. Harry wasn’t sure, hearing this, all he wanted was to reach out to Louis, to tell him that he was still here if he wanted to talk, or vent or break some stuff, but he also knew that it probably was a bad idea to contact him. “If you decide to reach out to him, you can’t tell him I told you all of this. You know how he is with these kinds of things, he doesn’t want anyone to know.” Liam said, and Harry understood. Louis had always been the one to rather bottle up everything inside of him instead of burdening someone else. There had never been many people that Louis talked about everything with, his mother had been one, Harry the other, so knowing Louis he was probably bottling up everything that had happened for the past few years in his life, only giving Liam bits and pieces.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I love you all so much!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So finally we get Louis and Harry in one room!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I didn't update yesterday! Hopefully you'll enjoy this!

Louis knew he was close to reaching his limits, a few more drinks and he’d be a groggy, sloppy mess, but then again he kind of needed that, he needed to lose control, he needed to _forget_. Forget about everything and just let everything go.   
“One more, please.” he smiled cheekily at the bartender, showing the empty glass is in his hand before putting it down at the bar. “And a beer.” he added. The bartender smiled at him and nodded. While waiting Louis turned around and looked around the bar, this wasn’t really his kind of place usually, he mostly went to nightclubs where the music was loud and the rooms were dark, this was more of a classic bar. It was somewhat crowded, Louis looked around to see if he knew anyone or if someone looked threatening. Since that night, now a week ago, Louis was always nervous. Throwing looks over his shoulder. Even if he knew that he had put himself in that situation. He had never been attacked in a bar before, why would he now? he thought to himself.   
Louis squinted to properly see the people, he started to get really drunk again. He didn’t recognize anyone so he turned back towards the bar, downing the shot he had ordered before taking a sip of his beer. The bartender stopped to talk to him for a moment, Louis was almost sure she recognized him, but he didn’t really care. She didn’t say anything at least so they just chatted for a moment before she had to keep working.   
Suddenly Louis felt a hand on his right shoulder, he tensed up, now it would happen again, he thought, a big knot forming in his stomach and he made himself ready to fight off whoever touched him..  
“Louis?” a voice asked. A familiar voice. Louis immediately, instinctively relaxed a little, a different kind of tension forming inside of him, now he didn’t want to fight anymore, his body prepared him to flee. He slowly turned around, already knowing what would meet him, the voice could only belong to one person. A voice Louis would never forget. Then his eyes met with a half smiling face, with the most adorable dimples, dark brown curls, shorter than when Louis last had seen them, and a pair of shiny, green eyes.   
“Harry?” He asked with a groggy voice, of course it was him, his beautiful, adorable Harry was standing there in front of him. Harry, that he hadn’t seen in years, Harry that he had been missing every moment when they were apart, his perfect Harry.  
“Yeah” Harry said, first now letting go of Louis’ shoulder and dragging his hand through his hair, smiling down at Louis, he looked nervous. Louis didn’t know what to say, he wanted to say a thousand words at once, none that could explain what he was actually feeling, he wanted to throw himself in Harry's arms, but he knew he couldn’t do that.  
“Sit down.” was all Louis could get out, smiling at Harry, pointing to the empty chair next to him, now again noticing how drunk he really was, how hard it was to get his eyes to focus and his mind to concentrate. It was like a dream, only the next couple of minutes would tell if it was a good dream or a nightmare. Harry sat down next to him and ordered himself a drink. Louis took a big sip from his beer, feeling the awkwardness spread between them. From the corner of his eyes he could see Harry looking at him, not just looking, eyeing him up and down, he looked- almost worried. Had Liam talked to him?  
“So what brings you here?” Louis asked, trying to sound casual and more sober than he really was, taking another big sip of his beer. Harry looked over at him and smiled a little, but his eyes looked serious.  
“I could ask you the same thing.” Harry said to Louis, and that was very true, these kinds of bars had always been more of Harry's thing than Louis’. “Just out with a couple friends.” Harry said, throwing a look over his shoulder. Louis’ heart stung of jealousy, but he didn’t have any right so he just forced a little smile and nodded.   
“I just came for a drink before going to sleep.” Louis said smiling, realizing how sad it sounded, sitting alone in a bar at night, drunk out of his mind, saying he came for one drink. It sounded pathetic. He emptied the rest of his beer waiting for Harry to say something. The air between them was thick. Louis desperately tried to come up with something to say to ease it a little. “Your hair is shorter now.” he said, biting his tongue after, this was more awkward than he could’ve imagined. Apparently it was a nightmare. Harry chuckled and looked at him, his smile slowly dropping. Louis noticed Harry biting his lip, a sign that he was nervous. Louis cleared his throat, he couldn’t take this.  
“Well I think I’m going home now. Starting to get tired you know.” He said, stretching his arms a little. “So you can go back to your friends.” He continued, he could hear the spite and jealousy in his own voice and gave himself a mental slap, he hadn’t seen Harry in years and the first thing he did was be a douche towards him. On the other hand, maybe it was for the best, keep the distance a little.  
Harry didn’t say much, he just looked at Louis. Louis turned around ready to get up from his chair, and when he did so, he really noticed how much he had been drinking, his head spinning and he could feel his legs giving in.   
Next thing he knew he was in Harry's arms. Harry had caught him, stopped him from falling. He took a deep breath, a deep breath that smells like Harry. He wanted to reach his hand up and touch his face but he didn’t dare.   
“C’mon, let’s get you home.” Harry said, grabbing Louis’ body, throwing his arm over Harry’s shoulder to give him support. Louis was embarrassed, not about the entire bar seeing him like this, but by Harry seeing him like this, by Harry seeing him like a drunk mess. Outside stood a couple taxis, Harry helped him over there and got him into the car, then he stepped in too.  
“You don’t need to follow me home.” Louis objected “I’m fine now.” he tried, but Harry   
just looked at him, he could see that Harry didn’t believe a word of it.  
“I’m getting you home safely.” Harry calmly stated, Louis huffed and leaned against the car door, he knew the trip home wasn’t long so he tried to keep his eyes open, his head was spinning and now he grew nervous too. Was Harry going to follow him all the way inside? He couldn’t. Or could he? Louis almost started to feel sick and had to swallow a few times to get free of the urge to throw up, he didn’t know if it was the alcohol or knowing that he was sitting here next to the love of his life, that he had left and broken to pieces, and still, Harry was the one of the two who seemed somewhat okay. Louis closed his eyes, just for a second he thought, his head spinning like a carousel. He had to concentrate on something else that the feeling of the spinning, the feeling of Harry sitting next to him, the feeling of his stomach turning with every turn the car did. As soon as the car stopped outside Louis’ apartment he opened the door, fell out on the pavement and threw up. He was unsure if he had ever been this embarrassed in his life before now. He could hear the taxi driver asking if he was okay, he could hear Harry answering that he’d take care of him. Then he felt Harry’s hand on his back.  
“Are you okay Lou?” he asked. Louis couldn’t answer, he took a deep breath before falling to the side, laying on his back next to his vomit. Tears were streaming down the sides of his face and if Harry were to ask he'd blame it on the throw up but really it was tears of shame. If Harry had been over him before, he certainly was now. Louis put his arm over his face and just lied there, feeling the cold december air filling his lungs. He really wanted a cig right now too, but he didn’t want to disappoint Harry. Then again maybe that would really make Harry realize that he had to stay away from Louis, he thought.  
“What are you looking for?” Harry asked when Louis, still lying down in the middle of the sidewalk, was going through his pockets.  
“M cigs” he mumbled. Harry just shook his head, he felt really bad for Louis, almost passed out here.  
“Do you have a balcony?” Harry asked.  
“Yeah, why?” Louis asked, still not opening his eyes. He could feel Harry taking his hand.  
“Because you can’t lie in the middle of the street, next to your own vomit, smoking like there wasn’t a care in the world.” Harry answered and started pulling Louis to his feet. Louis opened his eyes halfway up and met with Harry's eyes, he was so pretty, Lou thought to himself. He just stared at Harry for a moment, took in all his beauty, when their eyes met again, Harry's eyes had a sad and concerned look in them. Louis couldn’t stand looking at him so he looked down, noticing they were still holding hands. He released his grip off Harry's hand and started walking outside, almost immediately he was about to fall again but Harry grabbed his arm.   
“C’mon now, I’ll help you.” He said, walking with Louis, helping him inside.   
“I’m fine now, you can leave now if you want” Louis said when they were inside. Harry didn’t care.  
“You’ve got some puke on your shirt” he just said, looking at Louis. Louis thought he almost looked disappointed but he wasn’t sure. He threw his jacket in a corner and leaned back against the wall to get his shirt off. He struggled a little but he refused to let Harry help him get undressed, that’s where he drew the line. When he finally got out of the hoodie he threw it on top of his jacket before pulling his t-shirt back down, now he would smoke. He stumbled towards the balcony, leaning against the walls or furniture to not fall over again. Harry followed him outside. He leaned against the rail and lit his cigarette, taking a deep breath, letting the nicotine get to work before looking up at Harry.  
“Louis, what happened?” Harry asked, “I saw the bruises” he continued with a look of disgust maybe? It was hard to read his facial expression. Louis sighed and looked down. He didn’t want to talk about it so he just shook his head and took another long drag from his cigarette. Harry had crossed his arms in front of his chest. Louis put his free hand in his pocket to warm it, going outside with just a t-shirt in december wasn’t a very good idea. He took one last long drag of his cigarette before stubbing it out and stumbled back inside. He ignored that Harry walked behind him. He refused to talk about the bruises, even with Harry. Especially with Harry. Louis stumbled into the bedroom, throwing himself on the bed, not caring to take off his jeans or t-shirts and almost immediately blacked out. Harry stood in the door for a few minutes, listening to Louis’ breathing get more even, he knew he was asleep. Harry tiptoed over to the bed and put the covers over Louis.  
“Sweet dreams.” he whispered to the already sleeping Louis before leaving the room. Damn, Harry thought to himself, Louis really was in a horrible place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading, please leave kudos and comments if you liked it!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally some more Larry in the same room!

Louis woke up when he heard the door to his apartment open, he was confused, he couldn’t remember giving the keys to anyone. He got up and peeked out into the hallway, there was Harry.   
“Hey! I went to the store, hope it’s okay I borrowed your keys.” he said, smiling at Louis. Memories from yesterday came back. Louis forced a smile at Harry.  
“Of course” he said before going back inside his bedroom. Damn he had been drunk again. He felt embarrassed even thinking about it. He stripped out of yesterday's clothes and threw on a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt, then he went to the bathroom, took a few painkillers for his hungover headache and brushed his teeth. He didn’t want to meet Harry, he was so ashamed of himself, he wouldn’t be able to look him in the eyes. Louis looked at himself in the mirror, dark circles evident under his eyes and hair messy. He drew a hand through his hair and washed his face with cold water. Then he took a deep breath before leaving the bathroom. The smell of freshly baked bread hit Louis’ nose when he stepped out into the hallway, his stomach growled, he couldn’t remember when the last time he had eaten anything proper was. He followed the smell to the kitchen.  
“Morning.” He greeted with a hoarse voice. What the hell was Harry even doing here now, he wondered to himself.  
“G’morning.” Harry answered, throwing Louis a smile that made his knees go weak. “I slept on the couch last night, hope it was ok.” Louis just nodded, there was nothing he could do about that now anyway. “I was going to make breakfast before you woke up but your fridge was empty so I had to go grocery shopping first.” Harry said. Louis just nodded again, looking at the counter where Harry had just put down the freshly baked bread and made two plates with fruit. What the fuck would they talk about over breakfast? he thought, this was going to be just as awkward as last night. He groaned at the memories of last night. How helpless and hopeless Louis had been. How Harry had pitied him, or still did since he was standing there making him breakfast. Good thing Harry was over Louis, he thought to himself while watching Harry finish up the breakfast, because he sure as hell was not over Harry. He wanted to get up and hug Harry from behind, peek around him and see what he was doing, kiss his shoulder and then his neck.. Stop it! Louis said to himself in his head. You can not think like that, he scolded his inner self, thinking that maybe he was even more broken than even he understood. Louis went to sit down by the small dining table he had in the kitchen, he thought to himself that this probably was the first time someone cooked in this kitchen, Louis had never cooked here at least, if he really needed food he could eat out or order in, but lately he hadn’t been eating much at all. At least not actual warm food. Harry put down the both bowls of fruit at the table and grabbed the bread, some butter and cheese. Then he got them both a cup of tea before sitting down. Louis just looked at him. He had been a drunk, disgusting asshole last night, and Harry still made him breakfast.   
“Go on, eat.” Harry said, and Louis looked down at the table, it did look good. He started eating and to be honest it was the best thing he had eaten in a while. They ate in silence for a little while, the silence not even very uncomfortable. When Louis’ plate was empty and he had eaten two pieces of bread he took a sip of his tea before looking over at Harry.   
“Soo.. what have you been up to lately?” Louis asked, cringing at himself, Harry chuckled a little, but luckily he answered.  
“Uhm, not much, just mostly been uh kinda working.” He said. Louis already knew that, he had been listening to Harry’s music on repeat since he started dropping music, watching and listening to every interview available, watching his music videos and so on. “What about you?” Harry asked. Louis knew what answer he was looking for, he could see it in Harry's face, he could see that the actual question was how he was doing, for real, but Louis was not up to discuss that right now. He didn’t feel like sharing that, especially not with Harry.  
“Same to be honest, loads of work.” He just answered, trying to avoid further questions he got up and started cleaning the table. He could feel Harry's eyes on him while doing it, when he was done he grabbed his half full cup of tea and smiled at Harry.  
“I need my morning cigarette.” he said and went to grab his jacket, Harry followed him and put on his jacket too. “You don’t need to come out with me, I know you don’t like the smell.” Louis said, Harry just smiled and shook his head.  
“Louis, I haven’t seen you in years, let me join you outside. I’ll leave after that if that’s what you want.” he said, looking down saying that last part. That was not what Louis wanted, he didn’t want Harry to ever leave, but it was probably for the best if Harry left him alone. It was not a good idea to have him stay.   
“Fine.” Louis said, looking at Harry. Harry's face was disappointed when he said that. He felt bad, he didn’t mean to hurt Harry, he hated seeing him sad or upset in any way, but for their both sake it was not a good idea för Harry to stay. They walked outside and Louis lit his cigarette. “Harry..” he began, even though he wasn’t completely sure what to say, Harry looked at him. “It’s not that I want you to leave, it’s just that.. well that.. I don’t think this is a very good idea Harry.” Louis' heart dropped by his own words, but he had to let the brain take over, he couldn’t let his heart run this. If he did he would already be curled up in Harry's lap, cuddling and watching a movie.   
“How so?” Harry said, “I’ve missed you Louis, I have missed my _best friend_ ” he said. Louis didn’t know what to say. Harry was looking at him, his green eyes started filling up with tears so he had to look up to not have them swell over. Louis sighed and rubbed his face with his palm before answering, carefully picking his words.  
“I’ve missed you too Haz, I really have, more than you can imagine, I’m just afraid this will hurt us both more in the end.” Louis said, almost a whisper, feeling the lump forming in his throat, but he was not going to cry now, not a chance.   
“Louis, I know you’re not okay right now. I’ve never seen you like this, and Liam said...”  
“Liam?! What the hell did he tell you? Because he had no right!” Louis blurted out, immediately getting more angry than sad, had Liam told Harry to seek him out, when Liam had specifically told him not to contact Harry?! And what had he told Harry? How much did Harry really know about the bruises? About the drinking?  
“No, no,” Harry said, putting his hands up in a defensive position. “He just said he’s worried about you. I just want you to know that you can talk to me if you want. You can vent to me.” Harry said, not really looking directly at Louis, Harry drew his hand through his hair and sighed. “If you want me to leave, then I’ll leave, just know that you can talk to me.” Harry said, opening the door to walk inside, Louis threw away the cigarette butt and followed him.  
“Oh Harry, you don’t know how much I want to tell you to stay, but I’m not the same person I was 5 years ago, I don’t think this is a good idea.” Louis said, both hoping Harry would stay and that he would go, his brain and heart at conflict.  
“Then tell me to stay! For fucks sake Louis, I’m not a child, I can help you.” Harry answered, getting frustrated. “Why can’t you just talk to someone about it? Why can’t you just talk to _me_?” He continued, Harry didn’t understand and Louis really needed a drink for this, he was getting upset and irritated.  
“Because..” Louis answered, then he took a deep breath. “Because Harry I’m still not over you.” he said truthfully, closing his eyes and rubbing his face with one hand. When Harry didn’t answer Louis opened his eyes, Harry's eyes were full of tears, just a second from welling over. Before Louis knew what happened Harry had grabbed his shoes and left the apartment.  
Louis sighed and let the first tear fall down his cheek.   
“Fuck!” he yelled out loud to no one but himself before going to the kitchen for today’s first drink even though it was only noon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thnak you all for reading! Ilysm!


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Quite short one again, sorry about that! I'll try to do better.

Louis woke up to his phone buzzing, he grabbed it but didn’t have time to answer before whoever called finished the call. He was still on the couch, he vaguely remembered having passed out there yesterday, drunk as a lord again. Louis sat up and rubbed his face before checking his phone. 9 missed calls, 12 messages. He opened them up, all from Liam except one, a call from Harry. He opened up his messages.  
What did you say to Harry?  
He called me, Louis  
I told you not to contact him  
What did you tell him  
He’s breaking down over here  
Please answer the phone  
For fucks sake Louis  
Are you drunk again?  
Or why aren’t you answering????  
LOUIS PICK UP YOUR DAMN PHONE!  
He’s gonna sleep here now  
Call me when you’re awake, I really need to know what happened!  
Louis sighed and rubbed his face before putting his phone at the table, he went out for a smoke before hopping into the shower. Shit, why had he told Harry that he wasn’t over him? Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! Louis hit his fist against the bathroom wall, it hurt a little but he didn’t care so he did it again, and again, and again, until his knuckles were bleeding. He could feel his tears running down, mixing with the water from the shower. Louis leaned his back against the wall and hid his face in his hands, slowly sliding down until he was sitting on the showerfloor naked, head buried in his bleeding hands, sobs ripping through his body. What the fuck was he supposed to do. Liam had said Harry had broken down. He had broken his heart twice. Louis felt in his entire body how much of a failure he was, he was a paranoid drunk, who still wasn’t over his ex-boyfriend from several years back. He sat on the floor for a few minutes, just letting his tears and emotions out, before collecting himself a little. After a while he got up and finished his shower. He had to call Liam, to see if Harry was okay. He didn’t know if he’d have the courage to call Harry back. He got dressed and grabbed his phone and sat down on his balcony, lighting a cigarette. He opened his phone, yet another missed call from Liam, so he called back.  
“Finally?!” Liam answered the call, “I almost thought you were dead, goddammit Louis!”  
“Oh Liam, stop being so dramatic.” Louis tried to lighten the mood a little.  
“What happened yesterday? Harry came over here in the afternoon, he called me and said he had met you. At first he seemed okay but after a few hours he broke down and wouldn’t tell me anything else?! I told you Louis not to contact him! I told you he wasn’t ready and now…” Liam almost yelled at Louis. Normally Louis would have had a good answer ready, or just shut off the call, but he felt bad. It was his fault that Harry was sad, he should have just kicked him out directly in the morning. As soon as you let your heart have a say in things everything gets so damn difficult.   
“First of all Liam, I did not contact him.” Louis calmly started explaining himself, “Second, nothing really happened actually. Nothing worth telling at least. Obviously you need to speak to Harry and not me, because I don’t know what’s going on really.” he could hear how cold he sounded, distant somehow.  
“Louis, he just left my place… I’m sorry man, I didn’t mean to blame you. It’s just he had been doing so good lately. I really thought he was moving on.”  
“I don’t know. I just- well he told me he wanted to stay with me, and help me with- you know, stuff, so I said it was a bad idea because I wasn’t over him yet, then he just left.” Louis explained to Liam now that he had calmed down a bit.  
“I’m sorry Lou.” Liam said and sighed “I’ll try and talk to him, see if I can get him to open up.”  
“Good.” Louis answered.  
“And just so you know, you can talk to me also, about- you know, stuff.”   
“I know Liam.” Louis answered, and he did know, he just didn’t want to talk about it. “Bye!” he said before hanging up, not waiting for a response. He couldn’t decide whether or not to call Harry now. What did all of this mean? Did it mean that Harry wasn’t over him either? Just the thought sent butterflies to Louis’ tummy. But if it did mean that, what was he going to do about it? He was back with Eleanor now, meaning that the entire baby stunt that they had tried to pull the last time probably wouldn't be an issue, then again, the only reason they had called it off was because they actually had broken up, what if they were to try again, and Louis refused to sign those papers, he would not let a child get dragged in to this. It was already confusing for everyone involved, remembering what to say and not to say and so on, and putting all that on a child. Louis shook his head at the thought, he couldn’t do that. Then there was the distance, Harry mainly lived in London, Louis knew that, but they were both travelling for work, all over the world, Louis had to spend at least some time in LA with Eleanor, since he “lived” there, even if he didn’t feel like he had had a home since he broke up with Harry. Last time the distance hadn’t been a mainissue, just a convenient thing to blame in the entire mess, but then they were in a serious relationship, even if they got back together now, they couldn’t just pick up where they had left everything almost 5 years ago, and being in a “new” relationship while also having the distance issue would be a lot harder. And then there was Louis’ new "lifestyle", it wasn’t that he couldn’t stop drinking, because he could if he wanted to, but it was an effective way to drown the pain, it had been for years, to numb the pain and memories of Harry, but now he wanted to drink away every memory of Tyler too. He shuddered at the thought of him, remembering his disgusting hands all over Louis’ body. He got up and walked inside, he needed to think of something else, he couldn’t think about Tyler, not right now, he was too sober. And that was the final issue, he couldn’t drag Harry into the mess that was Louis’ life right now, drinking to forget and failing at that too. Maybe he just should call Harry. Explain all this to him, but then again, he really did not want Harry to know about Tyler, he really didn’t. Because then Harry would know what a whore he had been, going home with whoever wanted him. Going home with whoever made him forget about Harry for the night. Maybe he should call him and just leave out that part, but could he tell him about the stunt with the baby? What would Harry say? Would he understand? Or would he blame himself somehow?  
Louis picked up his phone and searched for Harry's number, he pressed the call and shakily put the phone against his ear. _beep_ , he put on speaker and sat down on the sofa, putting the phone in his knee. _Beep_ , this was an awful idea, _beep_ , he couldn’t do this, one more beep and then he’d hang up. _Beep_ , maybe he wouldn’t even pick up, maybe he could wait for one more beep.But before there was another beep the call was ended. Harry had turned down his call. Of course he wouldn't want to talk to me, Louis thought, stupid even thinking that. Thinking that he’s just gonna call and they'd talk and then they’d suddenly be best friends again. This was a stupid idea, of course Harry wouldn’t want anything to do with him. Louis got up and started to walk towards the kitchen to get himself a drink, he poured himself a whiskey and took a sip. A small voice somewhere in his head told him that it wasn’t even 11am yet but Louis didn’t care, he was on vacation now, he didn’t have anything to do or anywhere to be so it didn’t matter. He took another swing of his drink when someone knocked on his door. Louis almost choked on his drink, he was not expecting company, and considering it was still basically morning and he was sitting with a glass of whiskey, this was embarrassing. He put the glass on the counter and went to open the door, clearing his throat and dragging a hand through his hair, hopefully looking acceptable. He opened the door, and there he was. The most gorgeous man Louis had laid eyes on, the most wonderful person he knew, the one who’s green eyes were currently filled with tears and who looked like a lost puppy outside Louis’ door. Louis' heart made a double skip and his tummy filled with butterflies.  
“I’m not over you either.” Harry said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I love you all! Kudos and comments inspire me!


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's getting fluffier!!

Louis didn’t know what to say, he just stood there, staring at Harry, going through every possible emotion at once. What could he say. One part of Louis was thrilled to hear this, to hear there was still hope for them, to hear that Harry still loved him too. While another part panicked, because things would have been so much easier if Harry hadn’t shown up here and said that.  
“Come inside.” Was all Louis said, before walking into the living room, he could hear Harry take off his jacket and shoes before entering the room. “Sit down, I’ll make us some tea and then we have to talk.” Louis said, he went to the kitchen and started the kettle, damn, what was he going to say to Harry, he couldn’t decide what to do. He could hear his own pulse pumping in his ears. He took out two cups and put the teabags in them. While waiting for the water to start boiling Louis leaned against the counter and hid his face in his hands, taking a few deep breaths to calm himself down. When he heard the water boiling he opened his eyes again, Harry was standing in the doorframe, his eyes had stopped at the glass of whiskey on the counter, his face had an unreadable expression. Louis just looked away, pouring the water into the cups, grabbing them and walking towards the living room, Harry was already back on the sofa when Louis arrived with the tea. Louis put one cup in front of Harry and sat down in the armchair, pulling his legs up, warming his hands on the cup. He looked down at the cup and took a careful sip, burning his tongue.  
“So…” he started, carefully looking up at Harry who was looking down at his tea but now looked up to meet Louis’ sparkling blue eyes. Louis had to clear his throat. “I meant what I said yesterday, I don’t think this is a very good idéa.”   
“Why not?” Harry asked, looking at Louis with shiny eyes. “If you still love me, and I still love you, why could we not try?”  
“Because it won’t work…”Louis started before Harry cut him off.  
“You can’t know that because you haven’t tried,” He said, almost angry, definitely with sadness in his voice. “If it’s about how you’ve changed so much Louis, well that’s just a bunch of crap. You haven’t changed, the world has changed you! You have problems and you’re in a bad place, but you have not changed, and it doesn’t change who you are!” Harry was obviously upset, already sitting at the edge of the couch, leaning forward, and Louis had no idea what to answer.  
“But I have changed Harry. I’m not the same person you once knew.”  
“Bullshit!” Harry spat out, “I haven’t talked to you much now, but I can still see it’s you, you still have the same little quirks and the same laugh and the same way to look at people and the same way to look at me. You still look at _me_ the same Louis, and that has to mean something.” He said. Louis looked down. It did mean something, it did mean he still loved Harry more than anything.  
“Harry I’m a mess, I’m a drunken mess most days, I can’t even care for myself, I live a life that is not healthy in any way and you don’t want to be a part of that…” he began before Harry cut him off again.  
“But why? Why are you living your life like that? Why aren’t you caring for yourself?! I want to help you with that Louis, to get you back on your feet, because I know you still got it. I know you’ve been through some shit these past few years but I know you’re still you. I can help you!” Harry was now kneeling in front of Louis on the floor. Harry's face only inches away from Louis’ hands, it would be so close to reach out his hand and touch him, touch his beautiful hair or stroke his cheek. Louis had to look away so he looked down at his teacup.  
“I don’t think I can be fixed,” he said. “I don’t deserve to be fixed.” Louis whispered. Suddenly he felt Harry's hand under his chin, lifting his head just enough to look into Harry's gorgeous eyes, seeing the different shades of green dancing in his eyes.  
“Louis Tomlinson, you deserve the world. You have done nothing wrong, and you deserve to be happy, you deserve to be healthy and you deserve to be loved.” He said, his voice was soft and his facial expression relaxed with his words. Louis couldn’t help it, he felt his tears welling up into his eyes and immediately one tear rolled down his cheek. Harry caught the tear with his finger and wiped it away. Louis leaned his face against Harry's hand, just for a second giving in to what his heart wants.  
“Louis I’m not saying we should pick up where we left everything, I’m just asking you to let me into your life again. Let me be your friend, talk to me, let me help you with what you’re going through.” Harry said softly. Louis couldn’t help it, he nodded before he broke down crying, sniffling and tears running down his cheeks. He put the teacup down on the table and hid his face in his hands, then he felt Harry's arms around him, hugging him tightly. Harry squeezed down next to him in the chair and Louis made room for him, before leaning against him, just letting his tears fall, letting himself fall apart for a bit, letting Harry hold him and stroke his hair and his back. Just friends, that’s what he had agreed to, but it felt so good being in Harry's strong arms again. Louis let himself cry for a bit before starting to collect himself again. Harry hugged him tighter.  
“It will be alright.” Harry whispered and stroked Louis’ back. Louis dried away the last tears from his face, and for the first time in a long time it actually felt like everything was going to be alright. Louis looked at Harry, taking a deep, shaky breath.   
“Friends?” Harry asked.  
“Friends.” Louis confirmed.   
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
“Should we order take-out?” Harry asked.  
“Yeah, sure.” Louis answered. The movie they had been watching just ended, he wasn’t even really sure what it was, he had let Harry decide. They had been snuggled up on the sofa, at first one on each end, but now they were both in the middle, Harry lying down with his long legs over the edge and his head in Louis’ lap, Louis fingers playing with Harry's hair. Harry cleared his throat and sat up and Louis opened his phone to order the food.  
“What do you want?” Louis asked.  
“Pizza?” Harry asked, and Louis nodded, he placed his order and handed Harry the phone. Louis didn’t know what to think and feel right now, hopefully they would watch another film while eating pizza and then Harry would be tired and go home. It wasn’t that he didn’t like having Harry around, he loved it, he just didn’t know how to deal with everything right now, it felt so natural and right to sit next to him, cuddling on the couch, but at the same time Louis was tense and felt nervous and anxious. He couldn’t quite put his finger on what the problem was, he and Harry were now _friends_ , nothing more, which felt both good and bad depending on if you asked Louis’ brain or heart, but alarms were going off in his head, alarms he usually numbed by a drink.   
Harry handed the phone back and Louis placed the order. After their small heart to heart earlier Harry had texted Liam. He didn’t seem too thrilled over their new friendship, he had texted Louis asking what he was up to, but Louis ignored it. Liam probably thought Louis had some secret agenda to win Harry back, but in reality Louis was trying to not start anything new between them.  
“So uhm.. now that we’re friends..” Harry started, Louis' heart rate probably doubled, he could feel the tension, he knew Harry would ask something he didn’t want to answer. “What’s with the drinking? I can understand why you started smoking again, it’s been stressful and all…” he trailed off, probably not knowing how to continue the sentence, he wasn’t looking directly at Louis. Louis had no idea what to answer, he couldn’t be honest, but he didn’t want to lie, so a half-truth maybe?  
“Eeh it’s just. I don’t know, I think it’s gotten a little out of hand. It used to be stress relieving, you know with work and all, and it helped numb the pain after, you know, my mum and Fizzy and all.” Louis started, telling the truth just leaving out some details, it hurt him physically to talk about his passed away family members. He felt himself falling apart just thinking about them, but he didn’t have time to think more about it before Harry was hugging him, holding him tightly. Louis leaned against Harry and took a deep breath.  
“I’m so sorry Louis, about everything you’ve been through. You’re so strong.” Harry whispered, just holding Louis for a while, and Louis shut his eyes, just concentrating on the feeling of Harry's arms around him, holding him together. They sat like that until the doorbell rang.  
“I’ll take it.” Harry said and untangled himself from Louis to go open the door. Soon he was back with two hot, delicious smelling pizzas. They started eating and Harry put on another film on Netflix, when they were full they lied back down on the couch, this time Louis sitting at one edge of the sofa, his legs pulled up comfortably and Harry lied down, his head against the armrest and his feet on Louis’ lap.   
When the movie ended Louis stretched a little and looked over at Harry who had fallen asleep, he wriggled out under Harry's legs and looked at him. Should he wake him up? Louis decided not to and went to get a blanket for Harry, he put it on and whispered good night before going to bed himself, the first night in a long time he went to sleep, sober.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading!  
> I just started a new job today but I'll try to keep the updates coming :)


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is cute and fluffy and lovely (and still platonic). That's all you need to know about this chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So now I've run out of pre-written chapters to update, I'll try to get some writing done today and tomorrow. x

Harry jerked awake by the sound of someone screaming, he sat up and everything was silent, he registered that he was still on Louis’ couch, he must have fallen asleep there, then he heard the screams again. It was Louis screaming, Harry got up and walked towards his room, he could hear Louis mumbling still, he carefully opened the door and could see that Louis was still sleeping. He was probably having a bad dream, tossing and turning in his sleep, mumbling and screaming.   
“Lemme be…” Louis mumbled in his sleep “...don’t touch me…”. Harry carefully watched him, wondering if he should wake him up or just leave. Louis was frowning and sweating, looking distressed, when he cried out again Harry couldn’t just stand there anymore.  
“Louis?” He said with a calm and sleep groggy voice while walking closer to the king size bed that Louis now laid across. “Louis, wake up. You’re having a bad dream.” He continued but Louis didn’t react.  
“Jst lemme go..” Louis mumbled in his sleep, “No!” he yelled. Harry sat down at the edge of the bed and put his hand on Louis back. He had heard that you aren’t supposed to wake someone suddenly when they’re sleepwalking, he thought maybe this was the same. Louis had always been talking and mumbling in his sleep, but before he was usually greeting fans or talking to Harry in his dreams. Louis didn't have nightmares.  
“Please Lou, wake up.” He said silently again, “wake up.” Louis breathing calmed down and Harry looked down at him, his eyes slowly fluttering open.  
“Harry?” He asked and then he started crying. Harry was taken by surprise, he didn’t know what to do, he kept stroking Louis’ back.  
“It’s okay Louis, you’re safe here. It was just a bad dream” Harry murmured calmly before crawling down next to Louis, holding him, spooning with Louis to calm down. He could feel Louis’ body shaking with the sobs. “It was just a dream Lou, it’s okay now.” He whispered. He heard Louis taking a few deep breaths, calming himself, before he turned around and Harry was looking straight into Louis’ blue eyes, even if the room was dark, the light from the hallway was enough to see how beautiful his eyes were, even when they were red rimmed and full of tears. Louis took one more deep breath and swallowed.  
“It wasn’t just a dream though.” He said, his voice shaky. Harry looked confused, he looked into Louis sad eyes and Louis looked away. “Well it was a bad dream but it was also a memory.” Louis cleared his throat and Harry patiently waited for him to keep talking. “The bruises you saw… they were…” Louis exhaled shakily, he could feel his hands tremble. “I was raped.” He whispered and he couldn’t even look at Harry, he felt ashamed. Harry didn’t know what to say, a frown and a grimace of disgust spreading on his face. “I didn’t want to tell you because I thought you..” tears were slipping from Louis’ eyes again. “I thought you’d think I’m disgusting, I thought you wouldn’t want to talk to me anymore, and I still want you as my friend.” Louis finished his sentence. Harry was taken aback.  
“Of course not Louis.” He was shaking his head, looking at the smaller boy still in his arms. “I would never think less of you for that. You could have told me, of course you could have told me.” Harry said with a calm voice.  
“I didn’t want anyone to know. I feel so ashamed.” Louis said, closing his eyes to not have to look at Harry.  
“You feel… ashamed?” Harry asked, “You don’t have to be ashamed. The person who.. who did that to you. They should be ashamed, not you!” Louis nodded but still didn’t look at Harry. Harry wondered if Liam had known, if he did he understood why he hadn’t told Harry. “Do you want to talk about it?” Harry asked carefully. Louis opened his eyes and looked at Harry, he wasn’t sure, he probably should talk about it, since he was now dreaming about it, but it felt so wrong, so embarrassing to talk about somehow. After a little while he nodded, better to get it over with.  
“I haven’t… well I’ve been in a bad place for quite a while.” Louis began, Harry just looked at him and waited for him to continue. “So I’ve been drinking quite a lot, sometimes doing drugs too but I’ve tried to stay clean from that for a while now, it’s been a way of coping, numbing my feelings kind of. And so I’ve been out to clubs a lot, dragging home and going home with whoever could make me forget about my shitty life for the night.” Louis sighed at himself, he couldn’t look at Harry so he looked past him at the wall. “Then when I came to London… I was so damn drunk, and he was nice at first, so I went home with him so that I wouldn’t have to sleep alone here. And well… I started feeling nauseous, probably from the alcohol, I told him to stop.” Tears started welling up into Louis’ eyes again, the lump in his throat made talking difficult. “I tried to tell him to stop, but I couldn’t get him off of me. My body didn’t obey and he was larger and stronger than me.” Louis continued, a tear running over his nose, dripping down at the pillow, he could feel Harry's grip tighten around him but he still didn’t dare to look at him. Louis cleared his throat. “Anyway… I blacked out, I don’t know if it was the alcohol or the pain or everything combined. When I woke up I just ran away from there.” Louis gathered courage and looked at Harry, his facial expression was hard to read, he looked tense, but there was something else. Sadness? Anger? Disgust? “I understand if you don’t want to… if you don’t want anything to do with me now.” Harry's facial expression immediately changed and he looked surprised.  
“Why? You didn’t do anything wrong.” Harry began, his eyes were softer now, he looked protective.   
“I went with him willingly Harry, he didn’t kidnap me or force me to have sex with him. I stepped into his apartment willingly and I agreed to sleep with him.” Louis interrupted.  
“So?” Harry said. “A no is always a no, you know that if someone else told you this story you’d see it like I do. Consent can be withdrawn at any time and that should always be respected. You know that Louis.” he said, and Louis agreed, if this was someone else, he’d say the same thing, but when it was himself it was different. “Have you had nightmares about this before?” Harry asked. Louis shook his head.  
“No, this is the first time I’ve had a nightmare about it, I think it’s because…” Louis took a deep breath, he couldn’t understand why he was suddenly pouring his heart out to Harry, all the walls he had been building up just crumbled to pieces with Harry, it was all or nothing now. “This is the first time I’ve gone to sleep sober in- months, maybe even years. Usually I drink until I black out, so I usually don’t dream very much.” Louis said, almost holding his breath, nervous about Harry's reaction, maybe he would scare him away now. At least Harry wouldn’t want anymore to do with Louis now, now that he knew how fucked up Louis really was.  
“Okay.” Harry just said, nothing more, Louis looked at Harry, they were just looking into each other's eyes for a few seconds and Louis suddenly grew very aware of how close they were. Did friends really lie like this in bed together? he thought to himself. Then again, it felt good, it felt natural for them, and he felt safe with Harry with him like this, so who cares if that is what friends do or not? “We should sleep.” Harry said after a little while of silence, Louis just nodded and he could feel Harry starting to wiggle to get up.  
“Please stay.” Louis whispered, like he was scared of really saying it outloud but he wanted to say it. “Please stay with me.” he whispered again, Harry nodded.  
“Of course I’ll stay with you, I just thought…” he began.  
“Friends can co-sleep.” Louis said and smiled a little. They had slept together thousands of times before, this was just like any other time, except that now it was strictly platonic. Louis turned around so that he became the little spoon again, he usually liked being the big spoon but tonight he wanted to feel safe and protected. Harry held him tightly against his chest and so like that they fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading! x


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Soory guys this is a short chapter, I've been quite busy lately, but trying to keep up. So I decided to give you a short chapter now and I'll try to make it up to you another day.

Louis slowly woke up by the sun shining on him, the actual sun, in the UK, in december. He barely believed it, maybe he was still dreaming.  
He vaguely remembered the night, remembered waking up by his nightmare about Tyler, opening up to Harry about his problems, and falling back asleep in Harry's arms. He had felt so safe there, sharing a bed with Harry and being close to him, in a platonic, completely non-sexual way.  
Louis stretched out on the bed and noticed that he was alone. He felt a little disappointed. Harry had probably just waited until he fell asleep and then left, he thought to himself. He got up and started to get dressed, when he opened the bedroom door he could hear rattling from the kitchen so he walked over there to see what was going on.   
“Morning.” Louis greeted Harry when he looked into the kitchen, Harry quickly turned around and then he smiled a bright smile.  
“Good morning,” he said. “I tried to make breakfast again but you really don’t have much to eat at home. We have to go grocery shopping today.” Harry continued, before catching on to what he was saying. “Or- ehm I mean, you should go… I don’t mean to- I don’t live here.” He stammered and Louis smiled.  
“No you’re right, I should go grocery shopping, but you’ll have to join me, in case you don’t remember; I don’t cook.” he said. Harry smiled and continued to make them tea. Louis sat down by the table and Harry put down bread and tea in front of them, he then walked over to the kitchen island and grabbed a post-it note, he gave it to Louis.  
“What is this?” He asked, looking confused and tilting his head just a little. Harry looked a little awkward and took a sip of his tea before answering.  
“It is a phone number to a therapist, or actually several. I thought maybe you could give some of them a call, and maybe uhm- maybe you should go see someone professional.” Harry said. “I don’t mean to step on your toes or anything, I just think.. I believe it could be good for you.” He said. Louis nodded slowly, just the thought of going to some stranger and spill his guts and tell them all his secrets made him nervous, but then again this had gone quite far now, maybe he did need some outside help.  
“Thank you.” he said and smiled at Harry, putting the post-it in his pocket.  
They spent the morning just chilling at home, most of the tension between them gone.   
After noon they went grocery shopping, they walked to the store and Harry picked out what they needed for dinner that day, Louis didn’t cook, he mostly ate out or ordered take-out if he ate at all. They took a taxi after that so that they wouldn’t have to carry the bags home.   
Back in the apartment they just chilled out on the couch for a while, not really doing much, scrolling their phones and half watching some series on Netflix. Then Harry made them dinner and they ate and had an overall good time.   
“Well, I suppose it’s time for me to go home now.” Harry said when they had cleaned the table and come back inside after Louis had a smoke.   
“Yeah… I suppose.” Louis said. Louis didn’t want Harry to leave, it had been nice having him there the entire day. They had fun together, he couldn’t understand how he had made it years without Harry in his life.   
“I need to shower and get some clean clothes…” Harry said. He didn’t sound like he wanted to leave, but after all they were only friends, Louis had no right to ask him to stay. He was just scared, scared of what he would do when he was alone again.  
Harry opened his arms and Louis hugged him, a long, warm hug that gave him butterflies. The hug ended way too soon.  
“See you tomorrow?” Harry asked.  
“Of course.” Louis answered, and so Harry left. Louis went to the kitchen to make himself some tea, after that he sat down on the armchair and put on some music. For a little while all was well, he scrolled through his social media, while drinking his tea, but slowly he could feel his anxiety come creeping up on him. What if he had ruined everything by asking Harry to sleep with him last night? Because it had been a little awkward had it not? What if he wanted to go home now because of that, because what Louis had done was not fixable, and he had said they would meet tomorrow again but what if he just said it to be polite and now he wouldn’t hear from Harry in ages again. His stomach started making knots, he knew he shouldn’t think like this but he couldn’t stop it, it was impossible. Usually he would take a drink to take his mind off of it, but he knew he shouldn’t. On the other hand, one drink probably wouldn’t hurt. He had made it 24 hrs without alcohol, it was a good start, but it wasn’t some AA thing, he could take one drink and it wouldn’t matter.   
Louis got up and poured himself his regular whiskey, he took a sip and felt his body relax by the familiarity of it. Would Harry be disappointed in him? Harry hadn’t told him to stop drinking, but Louis could see he didn’t like it. He thought Louis was addicted, which was a half truth, Louis wasn’t addicted to the alcohol (according to himself), just the feeling and relaxation that came with it. He could stop anytime if he wanted to, it was mostly a habit by now. A bad habit, that he could admit, but more habit than addiction. He took another swing of his drink. He couldn’t tell Harry that he had been drinking tonight, he would have to hide the traces after him in case Harry came over tomorrow, it would be too embarrassing if he saw that. Louis emptied the class. It was a small drink, he thought to himself, maybe he could get one more. One more wouldn’t really hurt. He was safely at home, it was just a little something to calm down before bedtime.

A few hours later Louis looked at his phone to see the time, 11:43 pm, time to go to bed, he thought to himself, he was drunk out of his mind again. He could have stopped after one or two drinks, he wanted to believe he could have, so why the hell didn’t he?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love you all so much for reading. Thank you and please leave comments and kudos!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Ilysm! Please Kudos and comment!


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